L is for

A friend of mine, let's call her Anne, is a single, 50 year old Quality Assurance Manager. She graduated from Seoul and is active at several ministries at her church, including teaching at Sunday school. She owns her own apartment and car. Having lost her mom to cancer a few years ago, and being the only daughter, she visits her dad after work every day to ensure he has some company.

Recently a church Elder approached her, to speculate on her openness to be "introduced" to a 60-year old pastor who had lost his wife to COVID three months back.

Yes, 3 months. The reaction when one hears of the period before this pastor actively seeks a new wife, is predominantly, surprise.

He had always had his late wife prepare everything for him and support all of his church ministerial duties, I'm told. The loss of his wife had rendered him useless in a way.

He needed to have a partner support him on his daily activities, he said.

Through many of the instances Anne had shared with me about this pastor, I concluded I could not with a clear conscience, find myself endorsing this man - a man who could live with putting his beloved children's feelings - feelings of grief and loss for their recently deceased mother, second to his own self-serving desires.

I was astounded even more when Anne told me that the pastor had initially suggested they get married in 2 months time.

That literally meant a short span of 6 months after the death of his wife.

He said that his son was getting married in a few months and he did not want to be on his own at the wedding reception.

It is customary in South East Asia that the parents of the wedding couple stand beside them at the wedding reception.

First things first

Separately, being a pastor meant that he lived at the church-funded pastoral, furnished with household assets owned by the church.

Marrying him meant that Anne would be living at the pastoral.

She asked him if they could replace the bed he and his deceased wife had shared. 'It needs to be reported to the church, as it is a church asset', he replied. 'Can we replace the mattress then? I'll pay for it', she said. 'That too needs to be reported to the church', he echoed.

I was dumbfounded at what his response meant and how that answered her questions.

To do the right thing of reporting to the owner of an asset if the asset was no longer going to be used was understandable. That the church would not impose the use of household items if you so chose not to use them, I figure makes equal logical sense.

So was he not prepared to return the bed and purchase one on his own? Even when his bride-to-be felt it was an important issue for her?

There were a few more instances of the pastor's reactions that I did not feel quite comfortable with.

I tried to take a step back and felt that it might be wise to take a most neutral stance so that I could be as wise a counsel as could be for my dearest friend.

Acceptance

I have a great many Indian friends - many of whom have been happily married in arranged marriages. So too had my two grandmothers.

In a way, they had just accepted their partners throughout the different seasons of their marriage where grief, disappointment and disagreements were taken as just a part of marital life, it seemed.

Nothing was deemed too big to be "irreconcilable", as we in this age see too often as the reason cited for divorce.

I do emphatize with Anne's feelings of desiring to end her single life - if nothing at all, perhaps to just have a listening ear to listen to how her day went, or to remind her where she last placed her glasses, or make some horrid suggestions on what to cook for dinner, or just an extra pair of arms to help her down the steps. I do. I really do.

Time has molded us to have higher expectations of ourselves, and others. We read and we watch. We listen and we discuss. We debate on what is acceptable in the new world and what is not.

Yet in reality, over time and space, man (or woman)'s desires have never changed: To love, be loved and accepted. To be respected and appreciated.

Perhaps Anne just needed these, regardless of what kind of a man he was.

As I brooded over one of Anne’s most important life decisions, I am reminded of the bible verse from Corinthians 1:13 that love is kind, love is not self-serving.

I struggled as I pondered if I could resign myself of my fervent hope for my dearest friend to receive the love she truly deserves - a selfless, not self-serving love, that God models for us, and surrender her to a life where she will love those who sin differently from us, as had Jesus.